Beau Choix

“What can I gift my doula?”

by Leave a Comment

I saw this question from a soon to be mom on Facebook this week. This was my answer:

“#1-Send back evaluation forms if you are given one, write a testimonial for her, offer to be on her referral list for future families, refer her to pregnant people you love, send pics, invite to first birthday. Yes, those are all listed under #1.

Anything else is gravy.”

Of course, it’s absolutely lovely to receive a small, deeply meaningful gift from a family.

Gifts from generous families I've had the honor to support as a doula.

But what better gift than to help a doula grow her business? Every suggestion costs the birthing family only a bit of their time, yet is invaluable to the doula. Ok, except an additional place at the first birthday party. We thrive on our families networking for us with referrals and testimonials, helping us with our certification evaluations, and spreading doula love in general. The best gift of all is when a family reaches out to say, “We’re pregnant again! Are you available?”

So if you have decided to invest in the support of a doula for your birth, and I hope you do, be sure to help her grow. This gift is priceless.

The Circus aka A Royal Birth

by Leave a Comment

So the Duchess of Cambridge’s estimated due date has passed.

Whoopie.

I don’t mean that in the sense that I am not watching for the Royal Birth Proclamation, because the truth is I am. However, the intense scrutiny she is under while she is (hopefully) peacefully gestating cannot be conducive at all to a relaxing start to labor.

They’ve estimated that this birth will generate 400 Million Pounds into the UK economy! From ONE baby! That’s pressure enough. The paparazzi have been camped out for weeks. People have been speculating over the baby’s sex, it’s name, when it will be born, & how the Duchess will birth her child. Most new families only have their own friends & family breathing down their necks waiting for the call that labor may be starting. Any inkling, any sign.

I have a friend who was a new doula a few years ago. She was so nervous about one of her first clients she wanted to check in with her every day & didn’t know what to do if she didn’t hear from the momma on a regular basis as the due date approached. You can chalk that up to a new doula & many of us go through this early in our careers to some degree. It’s not how we should wait for our clients to birth. We wait, patiently, not hovering. Imagine the entire country virtually the Entire WORLD with their eyes on you. A virtual bounty on the head of your child for the first glimpse of his or her face. Surreal to me, but reality for the Royal Family.

I know they are forced to live their life in the spotlight. It’s not a choice. But do I ever wish everyone would just leave them alone to birth their baby.

I hope that she is somewhere serene & quiet. Walking grounds in peace, caressing and talking to her wee bub in her belly, dreaming the dreams that all parents do while they wait for their child to arrive.

I would love to see her birth their child quietly at home & announce it a few days, even weeks later. Oh what a bubble burst. I doubt that would ever happen, but a doula can dream.

Good Luck Royal Family. Wishing you a most peaceful birth.

What is Perfect?

by Leave a Comment

A beautiful photo of a breastfeeding mother with the caption The Perfect Latch [sic] caught my eye this week. Ok I won’t lie; most photos of this nature catch my eye but this one made me stop & think. The latch did look nice from a lay person’s perspective, but I could see things mom could tweak to make it better. If the mother was comfortable with the latch & the baby was having good intake, then there’s no reason to change it.

As a bystander, how do we gauge if something is perfect & should we even express that sentiment? What do we really know about that breastfeeding dyad? Has that mother struggled with breastfeeding issues in the past? Perhaps her latch was causing a little pain when the photo was taken but she didn’t want to say so because she was told how perfect it was so why should she say anything?  This happens so often in the hospital after birth. A well meaning nurse comes in & sees those beautiful outturned “fish” lips on a baby who is having a feed & tells the mother how perfect a latch it is, but the mother says it hurts. The nurse tells her to give time, however there is an underlying issue you can’t see without further investigation, more questions, more time talking with the mother.  So this mother goes home having nipple pain, perhaps baby isn’t gaining quite enough. By the time she goes to the next pediatric appointment she has painful cracked nipples, a baby who looks like it isn’t gaining weight well, is told to supplement with a breastmilk substitute & use nipple shields until her nipples heal. Is this a fix? No, not at all. All because someone said that latch was “perfect”. And the cycle begins.

The same thing can be applied to birth. A doula says how perfect a birth this mother had, but the mother is questioning things that happened during or after her birth & is battling with postpartum anxiety during her babymoon. (Yes, there’s postpartum anxiety.) Only the mother can label her birth.  No one else should color her birth story for her.  Instead she should be asked about her experience & we should just listen. No interjection about how awful or wonderful someone else’s birth was, including our own. Just listen.

Parenting falls in the pitfall too. “I don’t know how you do what you do, you’re SuperMom!” is said to a mother who is running her children to all their schooling & activities, perhaps works or volunteers as well  (or both!) & is also trying to keep house & the family fed & happy. But at night she collapses because she is utterly exhausted & isn’t sure how much longer she can keep going this way because she doesn’t have enough support knowing she’s doing too much. She already knows she doesn’t know how to say No. She doesn’t feel like she can change the status quo without causing more issues that will have to deal with in the aftermath.  Then there is the mother feels like she needs to do as many things as SuperMom does, but she really can’t do more either. It’s classic keeping up with the Jones’.

We all get caught in the cycle when what we need to do is help one another break free.  Leave the labels to the packaged goods & let’s go find our tribes.  You are welcome in mine.

Yours in Birth
Angela

Creating a Birth Plan

by 1 Comment

Coming to your care provider or place of birth with a birth plan in hand isn’t as uncommon as it once was 10-15 years ago. You even find auto-generating birth plans and outlines all over the internet. In reality, most birth plans (or wishes or desires, however you word it) are pretty similar.  Most women want to be left to labor & birth  with the least amount of intervention, with the people they feel most close to and will give the most support, and to keep their babies close after the birth. Pretty simple, right?

That being said there are still care providers who scoff & huff at the idea of planning or asking for anything at birth. I was on a hospital tour with a client recently where the nurse actually laughed & said, “Good Luck with that!” It took us all by surprise, like, did we hear her correctly?

There are a few ways to help your birth plan be read by the hospital staff on duty when you come in for your birth.

  • Double check your content. Leave out things like “I’d like to labor at home as long as possible.” You’re already left your home so you’ve likely already done this.  Or “I’d like to discuss induction methods if I am to have a scheduled  induction of labor.” This is a conversation you are more likely to have during an appointment with your provider and should be on a separate list to discuss with your provider.  Also, when you are not birthing at home you will need to take into account what is available to you at the birthing facility you’ve chosen.  You can’t ask to labor in a tub if the facility doesn’t have tubs for laboring.  Doing this kind of editing will help the next point.
  • Keep your plan as short as possible. Write out what you feel are the the most important points. This way you can try to keep your plan to a single page. The less there is to read the more likely the staff will be willing to read it.
  • Ensure you aren’t repeating yourself through the document.
  • Try to keep your plan organized. If the person reading it doesn’t jump from how you’d like to labor to delaying initial immunizations, to how you’d like to push, they will be more likely to read and follow through with your wishes.
  • Consider writing separate plans for a cesarean birth, care for baby while in the hospital for the postpartum period or in the event the baby’s health is compromised.

So why bother writing a plan if no one will read it? Well, someone will read it, but the most important reason to write it out is that it creates a dialog between you, your partner, your doula, & your care providers. You can hash out what policies you can’t get around at your birthing facility and which  might have a little wiggle room.  There may be something you hadn’t thought about before that may change your thoughts on a procedure or practice. You and your partner may find that you don’t see eye to eye on a particular event, procedure or policy. This gives you time to talk about and research these things well before they might become a reality.  No, you can’t predict the outcome of birth, but you can talk about the many facets & be prepared for most eventualities so that in the moment you feel confident to discuss and move on to the next step.

What you know

by 1 Comment

As in many professions, when someone finds out what you do for a living,  a story comes out &/or you are effectively pumped for information. For birth professionals, it is inevitably a story dump – a disappointing or traumatic birth, bad hospital stay, inability to breastfeed, you name it, it all comes out.

What I’ve discovered is that most moms just need validation. Simply, “You did the best you could with the information you had.” This is not a  condescending pat on the head. It’s a rare for a mom to hear this simple phrase from anyone. What is more likely to happy is the person listening breaks into their own tirade. More about that in a minute.  We all find out more information we could have used  for a birth, breastfeeding or parenting experience after the fact & then are guilty of beating ourselves up later for it (hand held high here). We have to break this cycle.

But how do we do this?

Let the experience be what it is & let it go. Debrief with a trusted person who isn’t just going to be your bobble-head.  It may take some time, allow yourself that time. Be gentle with yourself. Learn from it, but don’t dwell on it. This is not the one experience that will define you as a parent if you don’t let it. Rather, use it to shape what is to come. Share your story, but not as the scary Oh-Em-Gee story you tell to every pregnant or new mom, at every baby shower, at every gathering of moms. This practice infuriates me. People gather to celebrate a birth but then use it to play “My story is worse than yours”  or  “This will be the worst experience of your life”. Why? There is enough misinformation & fear-mongering.  Rather, tell your story to gently educate others. Explain what you have learned. Pass your experience in a way that can help someone else avoid the same situation.  Finally,if you know your experience has left you with post traumatic stress, find a professional who specializes in this work to counsel you through your experience. This is a real condition and it requires real help.

If you intend to have more children, research, research, research before your next birth. Do not just rely on anecdotal information, hospital based childbirth classes, mainstream websites & books. Seek out all the information you can find. Go beyond your comfort bubble. Pay for a private educator who isn’t going to give you the hospital party line. Look for evidence based information – there is a difference.  A couple of  good places to start: Science and Sensibility and Childbirth Connection.

Research your care provider & birth location. You cannot expect a hands off, physiologically normal birth from a provider who is known for highly interventive practices. It’s just not going to happen. You cannot change them. Same goes for birth facilities. If you want to use water during labor or a water birth, you can’t choose a hospital with tiny, regular sized American style tubs it’s simply not possible. If they will not allow you to have your choice of support  people, or allow your preferred comfort measures that is a Big Red Flag to look elsewhere. A couple of great sites to do research: The Birth Survey and Cesarean Rates. Also, look to your state’s Department of Heath vital statistics to see an overall snapshot of the births reported around you. Virginia’s can be found here.

Set your support team in place during your pregnancy. Hire a doula. Yes I’m obviously biased, but the evidence is out there for you to see in black & white. Don’t forget your lactation team for breastfeeding support, postpartum doula after your birth, know your area resources for postpartum depression, massage therapy, cranial-sacral or chiropractic care, area mother’s groups, etc. Even if you don’t need them or use them, do your research so if you do need any of them you know exactly who to contact. Too often a mom realizes she needs help & is so overwhelmed she doesn’t know where to start. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve gotten a tearful phone call from a mother or a frantic call from a father looking for breastfeeding help NOW.

Which brings me to my next point: don’t wait until the last minute to call for help. If it looks like you need some help, pick up the phone before desperation sets in. You’re not bothering anyone. That line about it takes a village, it really is true.

“What if I can’t afford it?” Do you really need or want 12 packages of bodysuits & socks, 2 dozen plastic electric toys the baby isn’t going to play with anyway, a bunch of matchy matchy outfits that the baby might wear once? Be upfront about what you do need and want. Ask for donations to your doula or breastfeeding fund at your shower, a gift certificate for a postpartum massage, ask for your friends to bring their local resources to your shower. People really do want to give you what you need, but will default to the big box baby store if you don’t tell them. Also, many doulas and other birth professionals are wiling to barter or to work on a sliding scale. Many don’t advertise this, but if you ask they will tell you.

The more prepared you are for birth & postpartum, the more positive your experience is likely to be. Yes it’s work, but so is parenting. Give yourself the tools to get there. You are worth it.

Glossy Prints

by Leave a Comment

I went on a tour of the Women’s Center at a local hospital recently & was given a folder of information related to their pre & postnatal services.

There a sheet listing the agenda of the tour, and a brochure of their childbirth education offerings. The tour is a rattling off of hospital procedure. If you need any in-depth answers, don’t ask the tour guide. If you’re not planning a “normal hospital birth” but a physiologically normal birth you will make the guide quite nervous. It’s clear that not many people just give birth.

Much of the rest of the folder is focused on breastfeeding.  I thought, “This is better.”

That is until I sat down & looked at it all.

It was wonderful to see all the support they have set up for area women, but it is far from making breastfeeding normal. There is a lot of information about support, support groups, classes, pumping & where & how to buy or rent pumps. So many gorgeous glossy pictures of beautiful babies. Only one of a mother very very discretely breastfeeding her baby.

All the support is great, but without the depiction of breastfeeding being normal the message is lost.

My region is filled with support & some really great resources. I’ve lived in many places where this isn’t so. Regardless of where you live, it’s very important to search out all your options before you are in the throws of labor & realizing that your birth plan can’t be & won’t be followed because the facility you’ve chosen has a completely different definition of normal that is not the same as your own. Make sure that your care providers, birthing facility and after support are fully vested in you. Some issues can be solved through self advocacy, but you shouldn’t have to fight uphill when you should be completely zoned out in Laborland or  blissfully snuggling your new baby. You shouldn’t be worrying about what you have to give up to get the care & support you need & deserve.

You Are Worth It.

 

The first birth

by Leave a Comment

So 16 years ago, I was in the midst of a change. I was getting divorced, had left active duty military, moved home with my family & was back in university. So different from my dear friend who was married & pregnant with her 2nd child. I just happened to be working as security at the maternity entrance of the hospital the morning her labor started. Despite having worked all night, a shot went through me & I was energized to await this precious baby. I was afraid to run home & get changed or anything. I was convinced that this baby was imminent.

Knowing what I know now, it was a rather quick labor, typical for a 2nd time mom. But for me then, it was a long one. We waited until late in the afternoon, and then, finally it was time.

I was awed by her power, the sheer feminine force she tapped into to birth this boy. I had no idea of the hormonal energy that we shared. I had never experienced anything like this in my life.

I had no idea back then what a doula was. I had no clue that only a few years later I would be happily married and bringing my own children to the world. I had no idea that I would understand what it means to have such intimate support around you as your family grows.

I am fortunate to have had this singular experience before my life played out the way it has. I feel as fortunate as I did 16 years ago to be asked to attend each and every birth. I feel just as awed every time I support a woman in her birth journey. The hormonal high never ceases to touch me to my core.

I’m not ashamed to say it. I love what I do.

 

NVC-Check!

by Leave a Comment

I promised to hold myself publicly accountable to my To-Do list for this year. So here’s a little update.

I set up a new website & email  for the coming cloth diaper group. I also found someone to help me sort out some issues I had with the reworking of my doula site.

Several blog posts in the hopper, just need time to sit & flesh them out. Difficult to do with a toddler underfoot most of the time.

I completed the Birth Story Listening course a couple of weeks ago. That was hard, deep, intense work. Every conference call I felt like I was holding my breath for the entire call. The listening itself was difficult and I appreciate every momma who shared their story with me for this course.

I finally finished reading Nonviolent Communication (NVC for short).  A little more work to do & I should finally be a full Real Diaper Circle Leader well before the Great Cloth Diaper Change this year. This is also a very difficult book to read & put into practice, but it should have come to no surprise that this book corresponds to the work I was doing with Birth Story Listening and the communications work I am doing for my Childbirth International courses. When you delve down deep and truly put into practice deep listening, compassionate feedback and can fully express your needs so your listener understands what you need from a conversation, it is life changing. It’s not easy & unless you’ve been practicing your entire life it’s not even something that you can do all the time. It’s work in progress. And that is life, work in progress.

I don’t pretend to hold all the answers, I just do my best to hold the space to find them.

And with that play-doh calls.

Visible Change

by 2 Comments

Most everyone talks about the changes they will make at the beginning of each year. Life inevitable gets in the way & most of us fall into our normal routines pretty quickly. It’s much the same in our work lives. Most of us have the best of intentions, really. In fact I hesitated even posting this, my first post of the new year because I didn’t want to post unrealistic goals & why it’s almost the end of the month before I’ve actually hit publish.

This year I decided would be my year for Visible Change.

The first is easy. I’m going to continue to wear my baby. She’s 2 years old now, but that doesn’t mean she can’t be worn. Why? Well, besides the fact that she’s a tiny peanut with short legs many times I hear or read of parents who quit babywearing because their baby got “too big” at 4, 5, 8 months old. If you have the correct carrier and wear it correctly, you can safely babywear until your child is around 40 lbs. Know your carrier, know your baby. You will find that you and your baby are happier when you can stay close, especially when your baby can tell you they want to be close!

Oh yes, I will continue to breastfeed and breastfeed in public. Yes my child is 2 and yes she still breastfeeds and yes I still feed her when she asks most of the time. I know when she’s just bored & asking for the sake of asking. I also know when she has a genuine need. It’s biologically normal and we will continue until she decides she’s outgrown her need, same as my other two children.

I will take better care of myself in order to take better care of my family and my clients.

As a Birth Professional I will continue to work with, not against my client’s care providers. I will be the face of doulas everywhere so that those who come after me will not have to clean up after me. I will be kind and respectful at all times. I will not be a doormat. I will show what constant support is in labor and how it is beneficial to birthing families regardless of how they  birth.

I will bring the doula magic to every birth: Being, Listening, Touching, Holding & Believing,  Fully, Completely and Without Reservation or Hesitation.

I will continue to support breastfeeding mothers. Period.

I will finish up my courses that have been almost finished for entirely too long. First it was the baby, then it was the deployment, then the move, but now, no more excuses. I’ve put much of it into practice already, but I will finish out the last of the courses. And I will continue to find opportunities for continuing education.

With that I will set up Childbirth Education &  Breastfeeding classes. Women deserve to have a veritable smorgasbord of classes to choose from as not every woman births the same. There should be many offerings outside the traditional hospital based classes. Mothers and their partners deserve classes that can be fine tuned to what they need. I will also re-establish a Breastfeeding Support Group & a Cloth Diapering Circle.

I will once again host the Great Cloth Diaper Change & finish my Real Cloth Diaper Leader training.

So yes, some of this is more of the same, but it’s my commitment to staying the course even though I’ve done much of it before. It’s why I’m combining a few personal goals with my professional goals. I’m hoping that when others see what I’m doing that they will not be afraid to show some of the same visibility.  Walkin’ my Talk. Hold me to it. I will post updates to the website, the blog and social media. How will your community see your visible change?

Doula Labels

by 2 Comments

I came across this title today while searching out local doula sites: Provisionally Certified Doula.   In addition to this I’ve also seen: Pending Certification.

I see women more often specify themselves as a Doula-in-Training. This makes a little more sense in my mind only because it often is an indicator to prospective parents that this is a newer doula, they are looking for  clients to complete certification & are often much more willing to negotiate on price and distance to client.

The time between submitting certification is usually a matter of weeks or a couple of months, rarely more than that.

My question is: Are the extra labels really necessary?

We already struggle to educate the general public about the role of doulas whether we are a  Labor or Birth Doula, Postpartum Doula or Antepartum Doula. We label ourselves as certified or not certified. Isn’t this enough?   Why are we further labeling ourselves when many people have no idea what a doula is at all?

Many parents don’t even ask whether or not a doula is certified, or where she trained and with what program. Most parents want to know what this is this doula’s philosophy about birth, do they click with this doula on a deeper level than most other people, and, most importantly, what this doula can do for them during their birth.

When we add additional labels to ourselves as doulas are we  doing our clients a disservice?