As in many professions, when someone finds out what you do for a living, a story comes out &/or you are effectively pumped for information. For birth professionals, it is inevitably a story dump – a disappointing or traumatic birth, bad hospital stay, inability to breastfeed, you name it, it all comes out.
What I’ve discovered is that most moms just need validation. Simply, “You did the best you could with the information you had.” This is not a condescending pat on the head. It’s a rare for a mom to hear this simple phrase from anyone. What is more likely to happy is the person listening breaks into their own tirade. More about that in a minute. We all find out more information we could have used for a birth, breastfeeding or parenting experience after the fact & then are guilty of beating ourselves up later for it (hand held high here). We have to break this cycle.
But how do we do this?
Let the experience be what it is & let it go. Debrief with a trusted person who isn’t just going to be your bobble-head. It may take some time, allow yourself that time. Be gentle with yourself. Learn from it, but don’t dwell on it. This is not the one experience that will define you as a parent if you don’t let it. Rather, use it to shape what is to come. Share your story, but not as the scary Oh-Em-Gee story you tell to every pregnant or new mom, at every baby shower, at every gathering of moms. This practice infuriates me. People gather to celebrate a birth but then use it to play “My story is worse than yours” or “This will be the worst experience of your life”. Why? There is enough misinformation & fear-mongering. Rather, tell your story to gently educate others. Explain what you have learned. Pass your experience in a way that can help someone else avoid the same situation. Finally,if you know your experience has left you with post traumatic stress, find a professional who specializes in this work to counsel you through your experience. This is a real condition and it requires real help.
If you intend to have more children, research, research, research before your next birth. Do not just rely on anecdotal information, hospital based childbirth classes, mainstream websites & books. Seek out all the information you can find. Go beyond your comfort bubble. Pay for a private educator who isn’t going to give you the hospital party line. Look for evidence based information – there is a difference. A couple of good places to start: Science and Sensibility and Childbirth Connection.
Research your care provider & birth location. You cannot expect a hands off, physiologically normal birth from a provider who is known for highly interventive practices. It’s just not going to happen. You cannot change them. Same goes for birth facilities. If you want to use water during labor or a water birth, you can’t choose a hospital with tiny, regular sized American style tubs it’s simply not possible. If they will not allow you to have your choice of support people, or allow your preferred comfort measures that is a Big Red Flag to look elsewhere. A couple of great sites to do research: The Birth Survey and Cesarean Rates. Also, look to your state’s Department of Heath vital statistics to see an overall snapshot of the births reported around you. Virginia’s can be found here.
Set your support team in place during your pregnancy. Hire a doula. Yes I’m obviously biased, but the evidence is out there for you to see in black & white. Don’t forget your lactation team for breastfeeding support, postpartum doula after your birth, know your area resources for postpartum depression, massage therapy, cranial-sacral or chiropractic care, area mother’s groups, etc. Even if you don’t need them or use them, do your research so if you do need any of them you know exactly who to contact. Too often a mom realizes she needs help & is so overwhelmed she doesn’t know where to start. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve gotten a tearful phone call from a mother or a frantic call from a father looking for breastfeeding help NOW.
Which brings me to my next point: don’t wait until the last minute to call for help. If it looks like you need some help, pick up the phone before desperation sets in. You’re not bothering anyone. That line about it takes a village, it really is true.
“What if I can’t afford it?” Do you really need or want 12 packages of bodysuits & socks, 2 dozen plastic electric toys the baby isn’t going to play with anyway, a bunch of matchy matchy outfits that the baby might wear once? Be upfront about what you do need and want. Ask for donations to your doula or breastfeeding fund at your shower, a gift certificate for a postpartum massage, ask for your friends to bring their local resources to your shower. People really do want to give you what you need, but will default to the big box baby store if you don’t tell them. Also, many doulas and other birth professionals are wiling to barter or to work on a sliding scale. Many don’t advertise this, but if you ask they will tell you.
The more prepared you are for birth & postpartum, the more positive your experience is likely to be. Yes it’s work, but so is parenting. Give yourself the tools to get there. You are worth it.
Jenn says
I really enjoyed this post, Angela, it’s so informative and I like the examples and quick links! Thank you!