pregnancy

“What can I gift my doula?”

December 4, 2014 by Angela Leave a Comment

I saw this question from a soon to be mom on Facebook this week. This was my answer:

“#1-Send back evaluation forms if you are given one, write a testimonial for her, offer to be on her referral list for future families, refer her to pregnant people you love, send pics, invite to first birthday. Yes, those are all listed under #1.

Anything else is gravy.”

Of course, it’s absolutely lovely to receive a small, deeply meaningful gift from a family.

But what better gift than to help a doula grow her business? Every suggestion costs the birthing family only a bit of their time, yet is invaluable to the doula. Ok, except an additional place at the first birthday party. We thrive on our families networking for us with referrals and testimonials, helping us with our certification evaluations, and spreading doula love in general. The best gift of all is when a family reaches out to say, “We’re pregnant again! Are you available?”

So if you have decided to invest in the support of a doula for your birth, and I hope you do, be sure to help her grow. This gift is priceless.

My 10 year old sling

July 30, 2012 by Angela 2 Comments

This is my sling that has lasted 10 years and 3 children. It’s my woobie.

I took all the kids out after lunch today to run errands. We made it to the post office before my almost 3 year old took the hand of my almost 10 year old in the back seat of the car & fell asleep. This is a heart exploding moment as it is.

We decided to go ahead to our next stop. I brought out my trusty sling. And then it hit me – this sling is 10 years old. It has carried my oldest as a toddler & my next 2 babies since they were newborns until they were well into toddlerhood. It has seen so much work in so many countries in so many different kinds of weather. I’ve breastfed and fed cookies (fishing crumbs out of my bra every step of the way) & had a snack for momma too. So many hours of sleeping babies in this sling. I’ve had prenatal & postnatal appointments with clients, teaching breastfeeding, babywearing & cloth diapering classes in this sling. Playdates, parties, shopping, cooking, baking, laundry, moving, packing & unpacking, pta meetings, volunteering in the classroom, support groups, vacations & walks, many many many walks. The list is endless.

I bought 2 crappy, really crappy box store excuses for babywearing devices when my oldest was born. Such a waste of money, frustration, time and fabric. But I knew there had to be something better out there. She was a baby you just couldn’t put down. I knew babywearing worked but I had tried to save money & cut corners in the wrong way. These didn’t work for us. I could have easily made my own sling but wasn’t confident enough until much later.

When I was pregnant with my 2nd baby I found the right people to talk to and the right place to look at what I call a real sling. And so, I bought my sling, my Maya Wrap. It has been, & always be, my go to. So easy to slip on, slide a baby in & just keep on going. The learning curve was minimal & within days of my 2nd baby being born I felt like an old pro. And I wore him for 3 1/2 years. The last time I remember wearing him was when we were in Rome. He was sick & we had a tour of the Vatican scheduled. We decided to try it & I would go back to the hotel if things deteriorated. My trusty Maya Wrap was at the bottom of my backpack. He decided he needed to hap as his fever ramped up again. At 3 1/2 & a good 35 lbs or so he curled up on my chest, the sling came out & he slept through the entire tour. I don’t remember how many hours it was, but it was quite a few. He woke up, his fever broke & we continued on the day.

Today, as baby #3 snoozed away while we shopped for school supplies I kissed her little head in the same place it’s been for the last almost 3 years, just below my chin. Right where all babies should be – close enough to kiss. I realize these times are fleeting & I don’t know how many more there will be, but I will cherish every single one of them. I’m so grateful that I didn’t give up on babywearing. It’s made my life so much easier, and so much easier for my children to be where they wanted to be, where they needed to be.

I’ve expanded my babywearing library to other wraps, slings, pouches & soft-structured carriers, and I love them all for different reasons. But my hand always goes back to this sling. There’s not a thread popped & it’s soft with years of use. Sure it’s a just a tad bit faded, but I know this, when I am blessed with grandbabies, this will be the first thing I pull out to snuggle the next generation of our family. Soft, warm, fuzzy little heads resting under my chin.

Creating a Birth Plan

July 18, 2012 by Angela 1 Comment

Coming to your care provider or place of birth with a birth plan in hand isn’t as uncommon as it once was 10-15 years ago. You even find auto-generating birth plans and outlines all over the internet. In reality, most birth plans (or wishes or desires, however you word it) are pretty similar. Most women want to be left to labor & birth with the least amount of intervention, with the people they feel most close to and will give the most support, and to keep their babies close after the birth. Pretty simple, right?

That being said there are still care providers who scoff & huff at the idea of planning or asking for anything at birth. I was on a hospital tour with a client recently where the nurse actually laughed & said, “Good Luck with that!” It took us all by surprise, like, did we hear her correctly?

There are a few ways to help your birth plan be read by the hospital staff on duty when you come in for your birth.

Double check your content. Leave out things like “I’d like to labor at home as long as possible.” You’re already left your home so you’ve likely already done this. Or “I’d like to discuss induction methods if I am to have a scheduled induction of labor.” This is a conversation you are more likely to have during an appointment with your provider and should be on a separate list to discuss with your provider. Also, when you are not birthing at home you will need to take into account what is available to you at the birthing facility you’ve chosen. You can’t ask to labor in a tub if the facility doesn’t have tubs for laboring. Doing this kind of editing will help the next point.
Keep your plan as short as possible. Write out what you feel are the the most important points. This way you can try to keep your plan to a single page. The less there is to read the more likely the staff will be willing to read it.
Ensure you aren’t repeating yourself through the document.
Try to keep your plan organized. If the person reading it doesn’t jump from how you’d like to labor to delaying initial immunizations, to how you’d like to push, they will be more likely to read and follow through with your wishes.
Consider writing separate plans for a cesarean birth, care for baby while in the hospital for the postpartum period or in the event the baby’s health is compromised.

So why bother writing a plan if no one will read it? Well, someone will read it, but the most important reason to write it out is that it creates a dialog between you, your partner, your doula, & your care providers. You can hash out what policies you can’t get around at your birthing facility and which might have a little wiggle room. There may be something you hadn’t thought about before that may change your thoughts on a procedure or practice. You and your partner may find that you don’t see eye to eye on a particular event, procedure or policy. This gives you time to talk about and research these things well before they might become a reality. No, you can’t predict the outcome of birth, but you can talk about the many facets & be prepared for most eventualities so that in the moment you feel confident to discuss and move on to the next step.

What you know

May 7, 2012 by Angela 1 Comment

As in many professions, when someone finds out what you do for a living, a story comes out &/or you are effectively pumped for information. For birth professionals, it is inevitably a story dump – a disappointing or traumatic birth, bad hospital stay, inability to breastfeed, you name it, it all comes out.

What I’ve discovered is that most moms just need validation. Simply, “You did the best you could with the information you had.” This is not a condescending pat on the head. It’s a rare for a mom to hear this simple phrase from anyone. What is more likely to happy is the person listening breaks into their own tirade. More about that in a minute. We all find out more information we could have used for a birth, breastfeeding or parenting experience after the fact & then are guilty of beating ourselves up later for it (hand held high here). We have to break this cycle.

But how do we do this?

Let the experience be what it is & let it go. Debrief with a trusted person who isn’t just going to be your bobble-head. It may take some time, allow yourself that time. Be gentle with yourself. Learn from it, but don’t dwell on it. This is not the one experience that will define you as a parent if you don’t let it. Rather, use it to shape what is to come. Share your story, but not as the scary Oh-Em-Gee story you tell to every pregnant or new mom, at every baby shower, at every gathering of moms. This practice infuriates me. People gather to celebrate a birth but then use it to play “My story is worse than yours” or “This will be the worst experience of your life”. Why? There is enough misinformation & fear-mongering. Rather, tell your story to gently educate others. Explain what you have learned. Pass your experience in a way that can help someone else avoid the same situation. Finally,if you know your experience has left you with post traumatic stress, find a professional who specializes in this work to counsel you through your experience. This is a real condition and it requires real help.

If you intend to have more children, research, research, research before your next birth. Do not just rely on anecdotal information, hospital based childbirth classes, mainstream websites & books. Seek out all the information you can find. Go beyond your comfort bubble. Pay for a private educator who isn’t going to give you the hospital party line. Look for evidence based information – there is a difference. A couple of good places to start: Science and Sensibility and Childbirth Connection.

Research your care provider & birth location. You cannot expect a hands off, physiologically normal birth from a provider who is known for highly interventive practices. It’s just not going to happen. You cannot change them. Same goes for birth facilities. If you want to use water during labor or a water birth, you can’t choose a hospital with tiny, regular sized American style tubs it’s simply not possible. If they will not allow you to have your choice of support people, or allow your preferred comfort measures that is a Big Red Flag to look elsewhere. A couple of great sites to do research: The Birth Survey and Cesarean Rates. Also, look to your state’s Department of Heath vital statistics to see an overall snapshot of the births reported around you. Virginia’s can be found here.

Set your support team in place during your pregnancy. Hire a doula. Yes I’m obviously biased, but the evidence is out there for you to see in black & white. Don’t forget your lactation team for breastfeeding support, postpartum doula after your birth, know your area resources for postpartum depression, massage therapy, cranial-sacral or chiropractic care, area mother’s groups, etc. Even if you don’t need them or use them, do your research so if you do need any of them you know exactly who to contact. Too often a mom realizes she needs help & is so overwhelmed she doesn’t know where to start. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve gotten a tearful phone call from a mother or a frantic call from a father looking for breastfeeding help NOW.

Which brings me to my next point: don’t wait until the last minute to call for help. If it looks like you need some help, pick up the phone before desperation sets in. You’re not bothering anyone. That line about it takes a village, it really is true.

“What if I can’t afford it?” Do you really need or want 12 packages of bodysuits & socks, 2 dozen plastic electric toys the baby isn’t going to play with anyway, a bunch of matchy matchy outfits that the baby might wear once? Be upfront about what you do need and want. Ask for donations to your doula or breastfeeding fund at your shower, a gift certificate for a postpartum massage, ask for your friends to bring their local resources to your shower. People really do want to give you what you need, but will default to the big box baby store if you don’t tell them. Also, many doulas and other birth professionals are wiling to barter or to work on a sliding scale. Many don’t advertise this, but if you ask they will tell you.

The more prepared you are for birth & postpartum, the more positive your experience is likely to be. Yes it’s work, but so is parenting. Give yourself the tools to get there. You are worth it.